i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need moral support for this bender
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
