Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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