two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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