How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
