I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
