I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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