Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
