I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
