dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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