So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
