Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
