I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
