we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
