Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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