I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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