i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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