I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
