Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
