In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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