When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
