New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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