i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
