I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
