I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
