i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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