i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
