theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
