Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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