I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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