I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
