someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
