this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
