I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
