Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
