my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
