You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
