I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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