THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
