Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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