Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
3pm strippers are depressing
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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