Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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