Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
