We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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