I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
