why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
