Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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