I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
