It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
