OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
