nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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