In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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