We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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